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Relationships And Communities Session Eighteen

Where we finished last time

• Dialogue Strategy 10: Be sure trust exists before addressing misattributions (transferrence distortions).
  • Yankelovich uses the term transferrence distortions, which refers to a kind of historical red herring where we let the problems of other relationships spill over into a present relationship.
    • But the concept is more general: misattribution
  • It is easy for our attributions about others to be wrong
    • And when we let them shape our interaction with others they can be hard to straighten out
      • Our first reaction to hearing about a misattribution is likely to be defensive: "How could you think that?"
      • Straightening them out will probably require some trust on the part of the dialogue or relational partner
      • and the misattribution is not a great start on trust
  • Trust is earned (via)
    • self-disclosure
    • commitment
    • investment

• In dialogue, each person transforms the other
• There are tensions in dialogue
  • between presenting and receiving
  • between privacy and disclosure
  • between holding our ground and letting the other happen to us

Self-Disclosure

• Stewart, 230-251, 275-281
• Self-disclosure is opening yourself to another person
  • focused on the present and how you feel
    • but often refers to the past and what you've experienced
  • entails bredth and depth
    • who you are
    • trust in another persons ability to accept that

 Commitment ------------------+               +-> Knowledge of Self
      ^  ^                    v               |
      |  +---> Trust <---> Self-Disclosure <--+
      v  v                    ^               |
 Investment ------------------+               +-> Self-Acceptance

• Healthy Relationships are built on self-disclosure
  • It is how we get close to, and come to be valued by, others
    • relationships can deepen as self-disclosure does
    • relationships can erode as self-disclosure wanes
      • make time for each other
      • the primary relationship is the bedrock of a family
  • It is how we get to know one another
    • it increases self-awareness (self-validation)
    • it gives us a means of impression management and social control (self-presentation)
      • who we present ourself to be varies with the audience or relationship
    • we need to be known and accepted
  • It allows us to identify common goals and needs and to work together to accomplish them
• Self-disclosure is a path to personal health
  • the expression of feelings and reactions is freeing.
  • It reduces stress
• Our disclosure generally contain four elements
  1. observations (statements of fact)
  2. thoughts or inferences (expressions of theory, belief, attitude, or value)
  3. feelings
  4. expressions of need
• Expressive messages should be:
  • direct
  • immediate
  • clear
    • asking a question is a bad way to make a statement
    • pay attention to the congruence of your words and expression
    • avoid double messages
    • be clear about your wants and needs
    • distinguish between facts and interpretations and attributions
    • focus on one thing at a time
  • straight
  • supportive
    • avoid global labels
    • be careful with sarcasm and irony
    • dragging up the past just confuses the present
    • avoid judgmental "you" messages
    • threats

Intro to strategic expression

The question of spontaneious versus strategic expression

• our emotions are powerful and it it sometimes important to let them guide us
• but expression of our emotions sometimes conflicts with other needs

The two marshmellow child

• higher SAT scores and acheivement

Goes to the heart of the quesition of spontaneity and strategy in our emotional communication

• is the high achiever happier?