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Relationships And Communities Session Ten

A solution: listening

Index Card Assignment due Monday (but collected today): During some one of the conversations that you are in this weekend that involve two or more people, take out an index card. Every time you are tempted to say something, don't. Write it down instead. When you've filled the index card you can resume talking.

misconceptions about listening
1. it is natural (hearing is not the same as listening)
  - noise
  - filtering
  - thinking ahead (rehersing, sparring, placating, etc)
2. it is passive
  - encouraging the other is work
  - filtering that which is outside the conversation is work
  - dropping our other filtering is work
  - remaining in the present is work
3. I'm a good listerer when I try
blocks to listening
1. comparing
2. mindreading
3. rehersing
4. filtering
5. judging
6. dreaming
7. identifying
8. advising
9. sparring
10. being right
11. derailing
12. placating
listening skills
1. listening actively
  - paraphrasing
  - clarifying
  - giving feedback
    1. immediate
    2. honest
    3. supportive
2. listening with empathy
  - remember that "everyone is trying to survive"
3. remaining open
  - postponeing judgement
4. listening with awareness
  - pay attention to the situation
  - to non-verbal behavior
  - engage the past
  - look for congruence and discongrance
  - "what does the other person need from me
    - to look and act like you are there for them
total listening
- maintain eye contact
- lean slightly forward
- reinforce the speaker by nodding and paraphrasing
- clarify by asking questions
- actively move away from distractions
- be committed to understanding what was said

Listening, Assumptions, and Common Ground

Yankelovich, 35-46
Stewart, 143-148

Nine out of ten people can't remember what they said 60 seconds ago. Others never forget.

Language matters

Ten words to think about when we use (or don't use) them:

I - we avoid because it seems self-centered, but it is also

a take personal responsibility word.

You - can easily be taken as an accusation
They - who are they anyway
It - and what is 'it''
But - often undermines what we said before
Yes - not a term to be equivocal with
No - if its what you mean, don't avoid it
Always - rarely accurate and often accusatory
Never - ibid
Should - often accusatory

-- Last edited August 27, 2008

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Unless otherwise noted, the contents of this page were written by participants on the Media Space Wiki, operated by Davis Foulger, and should be cited accordingly. For example (APA):
Foulger, D. and other participants. (August 27, 2008). Relationships And Communities Session Ten. MediaSpaceWiki. Retrieved on from http://evolutionarymedia.com/wiki.htm?RelationshipsAndCommunitiesSessionTen.